I miss you

It's a new year. A new day.
But I feel so old.
I smile with friends when I feel like crying but I don't.
Because this was a choice I made.
And nothing I do or say will change anything.
I just wish you were here beside me right now.
I only dare whisper it into my pillow.
Because, it is cruel of me to want you,
When I was the one who walked away.
I miss you.

Losing battle

I said that you shouldn't get used to disappointment;
But I've lost count how many times things didn't go our way.
I try to find the positives in these storm clouds but,
It's so hard to fight for a future that is so hard to see.
And that's what breaks my heart the most.
Because I really wanted this to work,
But we're only going to deteriorate.
And we'll hurt more than we do now.
I'm sorry.

Blood Moon

I gazed up at the moon. It's usual sheen of silver and pearl was replaced by a haze of deep red. There was a scientific explanation for this. Something about sun's rays were being blocked. Something about light particles. Something about the same reason the sky is blue.

I didn't particularly care.

All I knew was, on that beautiful rare night, you were on the other side of the phone.
You were not standing beside me but it almost felt that way.
The sky is always the same.

He whispers into my ear, "I'll take care of you."

And I smile back, "I know"

Addiction

I lie on my bed, staring out the window that point towards the endless sky. The clouds are shape shifting butterflies of cotton candy that are just outside my reach. I wonder if you are watching the same sky from where you are? Or somehow in the two hours distance between us, the sky has become a parallel universe where we aren't love but hate. The theory of Possibilities. They are infinite.

My fingers gingerly brush against my parted lips. You are my diacetylmorphine and I'm the homeless prostitute that's desperate for another high. It has only been a couple of days but I already miss you. The way your blue eyes sparkle with mischief. The softness of your fingers as they dance up and down my thighs. The warmth of your hand as you grasp the back of my neck. The heat of your breath on the bare of my skin.

I have an addiction. I crave the scent of your skin that lingers in my hair. I hunger for the embrace of your warmth to surround my body. My heart are astronauts perpetually somersaulting through air. They drop to the pit of my stomach and lunges back into my chest. I am short of breath. I need to breathe. And you are my only oxygen mask. 


Dear, I need you. 

Innocent until proven Guilty

Darling, it feels like it's only us against the whole world.
The ground is grumbling under our feet.
There is no where to flee.
We cannot escape this with our hands tied behind our backs.
It is a burning room with the exit sign bled out.
Air is suffocating around us.
Why are we in this situation in the first place?
What happened to innocent until proven guilty?
Isn't it enough that we found happiness in an abyss?
No, the world is still collapsing around us.
And angry hunters still hunger for our blood.
Darling, it's only us against the whole world.
And we have no voice to plead innocence with.
But I promise we'll survive this trial.
Because I believe in us.

Day dreaming

If I close my eyes, "we" are there underneath my eye lids. We are barely there.

We are standing behind the door of my bedroom with you leaning into me on the doorframe. We are sitting against my bed, talking about an invisible future. You are hiding in my wardrobe from unknowing parents.

We are lying on the cold tiles of my balcony, staring up at the stars. We are in the kitchen, with me sitting on a counter top and your arms around my waist. You are waiting outside by your car, smiling.

But, we are barely there.
We are the mist in the early days of summer, blurry and quickly to fade under a second glance. It's difficult to fantasise about  "us" when your image dissolves under my touch.

But it's still there in my day dreams. Barely.

Words

She says, words come cheap these days.
He says, all I want is a chance.

She shakes her head; words are beautifully crafted like ice sculptures. Intricate, magical but their time is not limitless. They are fragile. They break and melt. They lose their form.

She says, I'm afraid I will get hurt.
He says, I'll only ever be gentle. 

I can never be cruel. You are too precious, like a fragile puppy waiting for love but will bark at everyone because it's lonely.

She says, I believe you but I don't trust my heart.
He says, Who can you trust if not your own heart?

My heart is a broken kaleidoscope. Everything is beautifully twisted like a drunkard high on morphine. I can see the rose-tinted smiles and the triangular shapes of cloud-like dreams. What I can't see are the millions of possibilities that this ice cream truck will swerve off a cliff. But I trust you.

She says, I'll only ever trust you.

Stranger

I close my eyes when I hear your voice; trying to piece together the expressions and the movements that match your words. I've only ever seen photos of you, smiling at the person behind the lens. I wonder what you were thinking at the time. How your life was like before I came along? Were you sad? Were you happy? Did I change anything at all? Like how you changed mine.

You have no idea how I long to be in the same space and time as you. I may seem more patient than you but inside my internal clock is counting down to that day. One week left. I wonder if it would rain? Five days left. Will you be as warm as you were on the phone? Two days left. What clothes should I wear? One day left. I can't sleep.

Dear, on the day, I'll be too shy to even say, "Hello".