Sorry Secrets

Inside my heart, I’m holding onto regrets.
They’re a melody that replays like a broken music box.
Sorry secrets, I should have given up on that day.
But I’m still holding tightly inside my palm.
It’s difficult to let go of pain.

Inside my heart, I’m holding onto regrets.
They’re a melody that replays like a broken music box.
Sorry secrets, I should have never let you go.
But now I’m just living inside of yesterday.
It’s difficult to let go of memories.

Inside my heart, I’m holding onto regrets.
They’re a melody that replays like a broken music box.
Sorry secrets, I keep on lying to you every day.
But I trap lies inside myself even more so.
It’s difficult to let go of these feelings. 

Inside my heart, I’m holding onto regrets.
They’re a melody that replays like a broken music box.
Sorry secrets, one day I’ll be somewhere far away.
But I’ll still hold onto that piece of you inside my heart.
It’s difficult to let go of love.

Pull and Push

Pull and push. Pull and push.
I'm always playing a game of tug-o-war.
Pull him closer. Reel in the fish. Hold him closer to your heart.
But don't let him hear how much it hurts.
Don't let him know how much he really values.
He's a mere codfish. Just like the many others.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
After being so close to your insides but not quite touching,
Throw him far away into the sea.
Pull and push. Pull and push.
I don't want him close when can't have him.
Scrunch him up like newspaper and throw away.
Just like my heart that was never caught.
Push and throw away.

Blind

She walks around carrying a memory in her pocket. It weighs like a child steadily growing every day. It's worth however, is questionable. Is it comparable to the world or to a penny? Sometimes, it's more precious than the most valuable gem. But, all that glitters is not gold.

It's a pair of hands that covers her eyes and watch her walk the streets blindly of the world. Rip off the blindfold and throw away that burden into the ocean. Watch it wash away. Watch it fly off your chest. Breathe. Walk away from your mistakes and skip along the pebbled path that is your life. Live. How else could you tell stories to your grandchildren? Don't merely stand on the inside of the mirror. Break through and walk through the day with others.

You're not the only who make mistakes. You're not the only one who wants to live only in the past. But what of those who are in your present? Don't they matter at all? Don't you hear their voices beside your ears? Feel their warm breath tickle your neck and enter the chambers of your heart. Let them breathe life into your lungs. And walk instead with everyone that's important flowing underneath your skin.

You're no longer blind.

I don't want to Regret

I feel like writing. I feel that I need to get it all out. I need to find the right words to describe how I feel. I'm sorry if I only ever post depressing things (Been told by someone that my blog is emo) but I'm still searching for happiness.
I'm not sure if I can convey what I feel right now but this is as close as it will get...



I want to cry. Everyday, I feel like crying. Thinking about him hurts. Thinking that I was the one to end my connection with him hurts. To think that I would never see or hear him hurts but I'm the one that made that decision. Everyone says that it was the right choice. But is it? I question that everyday. But its too late for regrets. There is no turning back. I can't pretend that I didn't end our friendship. I wish he made more of a struggle to keep our friendship. I wish that I was necessary. I wish he needed me.

Have you ever made the decision to stop seeing the one you love?
Do you realise how hard it is to not come running to him, saying that I made a mistake? The urge to find a him. To see him. Even if only for a second. Everything is just so God damn hard. I miss him. Even though, I hardly saw him any more, the fact that I deliberately ended our only connection hurts. There is no longer a reason to talk to him. I ended everything.

It was the hardest decision I ever made.

But I know that deep inside, seeing him hurt more. To see him smile and know that it wasn't because of me hurts. A lot. Seeing his display picture pop up everyday on msn also hurt. Everything related to him hurt. Our friendship hurt. Even though he said: Sorry. It wasn't enough. Its never enough. I'm selfish. I want more.
So I had to let go.

I know that it will take a long time before I can think of him and not cry. It may not be tomorrow or next month or next year. It may take five years or even ten years. It make take forever...
But one day I will look back on this day and agree that I made the right choice.
Please, tell me that I am walking the right path because not seeing him is punishment enough.
I don't want to regret ending our friendship.
So please don't say it was wrong.
I can't handle that.
Let me believe that one day it will no longer hurt. And that one day we can be friends again.
Please tell me that one day I will find my happiness.
Its the only pillar I have left standing.

Before Unknowing. . . .

There was a boy. . .
I had known him since primary school (elementary) and up until the end of last year, I attended high school with him. During primary school I was never interested in him even though we had 5th grade together. However, he was not invisible to me. He could never be invisible because during primary school, he was the subject of almost every girl's attention. He was Mr Popular. I was probably one of the few girls that didn't fawn over him.

Then, in year 8 he started catching the same bus home as I did. Even though his old bus stopped closer to his house. He told me that he voted for me to get into the student council. He started talking to me. He sat next to me on the bus several times. I started noticing him more. Soon, all I could see was his smile. I had fallen for Mr Popular. The one guy I said I would never fall for. I wanted to be different but even I couldn't resist his charm.

I never once allowed myself to think for more than a second that he liked me. I was never a really confident person. I thought that I was too aware of him. That I was being over conscious. He was always there. Sometimes, when my class had P.E. I could see his class on the opposite end. Sometimes, he would run over and give me one of his sweet smiles: Hey. I always replied back happily. Sometimes, he would hide behind me and use me as a shield. His large hands on my shoulders. Sometimes, I can still feel his warmth. I remembered the first time I gave him a Christmas card. His shocked expression. His smile when reading. I remember my red face afterwards. Even though, I was happy with him, I never thought he would like me. I thought: Someone like him would not like someone like me. After a year and a half I gave up.

I was wrong.
Yesterday, I was on Facebook. I was bored and so I toyed with one of those applications where you can find out what people thought of you after unlocking with points: BFF. So I found one where someone had answered yes to: Have you ever had a crush on ****? I was really curious so I unlocked it. To my utter surprise and shock it was none other than Mr Popular....

I was really happy. It made my heart beat furiously knowing that at one point in time someone shared mutual feelings with me. It was a real confidence booster. Though, it also created regrets. If I had gathered more courage. If I had a stronger will. . .What would have happened? Would he and I be together now? Would I be happy? These questions will probably haunt me for a long time. But I'm happy to know at least that he had liked me. Even if it was long ago. Even though I missed my chance.

So the moral of the story is folks: ACT ON YOUR FEELINGS !!!!! DON'T HESITATE

Because opportunities are rare. When they come, don't hesitate or you'll be left wondering of the what ifs and the things that could have been.

Hesitate and you'll regret. Wait and chances are lost.

Void

Lately, all that surrounds me is a black hole.
There is a huge hole in my chest.
Because there is no heart, I can't feel emotions.
There is only a void.
But there is a large wound that bleeds
Into the flow of an hour glasses' past.
I dwell too much into the past.
Hoping that the hourglass can be upturned.

Regrets

I am not dying and not planning to die anytime soon however, if there is a chance that my life ends suddenly without my knowing. . .I have one regret.

I know within my heart that my greatest regret is that he will never understand my true feelings. My wish for his happiness even without me. My desire for our broken friendship. Our love of words. All broken and cannot be mended. Because. . .

Hidden away in my journal is an unread letter. A letter meant for him and only him. Not known by anyone but myself. On the last day that I were to ever see him, he didn't come and I missed my chance to give it to him.

I regret that he will never understand that from the beginning, my true wish was for his happiness.
Because a letter that will never be read.

My greatest regret is simply this. . .an unread letter.