Day 15: Cactus Love

Please love me like a cactus.
Don't bind me to your affection
For I will suffocate under your attention
Let me strive under the blue sky sun
Don't nurse me in your wrapping shade
I need to breathe outside your arms
For I won't wilt without your nurture
Please love me like a cactus
Or you don't know me well enough
To understand my enduring strength.

Steganography II

Inside pages are secret exchanges.
Promises between your scrawls and mine.
Meet me. Three nights from Monday. 
Writing is a supplement for what I'm too shy to say.
I wish you were my Sir Lancelot.
But I'm too Lady of Shalott for your liking.

Slight touches. Prolonged gazes. Read my thoughts.
You're not clairvoyant and I'm not transparent enough.
But you're like a twisting maze: misleading.
Words threaten to vomit out of my mouth until I'm sick.
And I end up nonsensical as Jabberwocky.

I don't want you to become my heroin.
An illogical addiction, obsession without reason.
But your smiles already hooked me in like a blind catfish.
I'm waiting inside your hotpot, ready to be eaten.
I'm going to be sliced up and chopped apart.
For what explicable reason?

Letters for a Lunatic Love

Every day, I write you a letter in ink.
You don't ever see me tip toe in front of your door.
Quietly. Softly. I pour words onto paper.
I'm a creative coward.
Acting only in the cloak of the night.
I wonder if one day, you'll recognise my handwriting?
The letters tilt and flow like the blood inside my heart.
I want my veins to tie me to you like the red string of fated lovers.
But your left pinkie has already been given to someone else.
Winter nights flutter by like the ashes of envelopes you burned.
Delusional. Psychotic. To you, I'm a stalker.
To me, I'm merely helplessly love struck.
I'm only a creative coward.

Midnight and Dawn

Part One

It was around midnight when I found her. She sat alone in the corner of the pub, nursing what I assumed was the remainder of a bottle of whisky and probably in her chest, heartache. Silently, I watched her as she sniffled and tucked long strands of hair behind her ear. Her dark puppy dog orbs eyed her glass and she gulped it down in one go. Her friends had told me. She was dumped last week and she saw her ex-boyfriend walking around with another woman this morning. Fucking loser. Only an idiot would leave her for some blonde bimbo. 

    I snapped out of my thoughts when I noticed someone walking towards her table. I leapt off my stool and hurriedly weaved through people to reach her. The drunkard was latched onto her wrist like a half-starved leech. He lewdly gave her the once over and pulled her to his chest. I had enough of this. I tapped his shoulder, ‘Excuse me but the miss is coming with me.’ I eyed him and tilted my head towards the door. Either he left peacefully now or he was getting a broken nose. He released her wrist and shuffled away, looking sullen. I turned my attention to Lauren and wrapped my arms around her, ‘Hey are you alright? Why didn’t you resist him? Why didn’t you break his hand? Isn’t that what you usually do?’ 

    Lauren wouldn’t look at me. She merely held onto my jacket tightly and cried. I patted her head and waited for a reply. She was someone that always answered questions truthfully. I felt her muffle something into my chest. I pulled away and stared at her. She repeated her words, ‘I wanted to get back at him. I wanted to sleep with someone like it didn’t matter.’ I let out a long sigh and clenched my fists. If I ever see him, I wasn’t letting him live another day. She deserved so much more than this. I brought out my wallet, slapped down a fifty dollar note and gently tugged her out the pub, ‘Come on. I’m taking you back to your apartment.’ 

    Outside, we breathed in the cold air as we waited for our taxi. It was around two in the morning before we made it back to her apartment. I sat her on her bed as I went into the kitchen to make honey and milk. It was her favourite winter beverage besides hot chocolate and tea. I returned to find her asleep. I smiled as I gave her a light kiss on the forehead and whispered, ‘Goodnight.’ She opened her eyes and mouthed, ‘Stay.’ I shook my head. It wasn’t a good idea to stay the night when she was still drunk. She sat up and held both my cheeks in her palms, ‘Please stay, Daniel.’ She said as she brought her lips to mine. And that was all it took to unravel the control I had in my hands. A simple kiss.

    I woke up at dawn to her crying. I held her close as I apologised into her ear. We sat in her bed silently as we watched the sun rise over her balcony. It was that moment that I would remember for a very long time. I finally had her in my arms and I was happy even though, I knew she never once thought about me that night. We fell asleep again, to the warmth of the morning. I didn’t wake up until late noon. My arm blindly searched for her beside me but I felt nothing. I raised my head. Nothing. I called for her but no one replied. I pulled on my jeans and searched every room in the apartment. Nothing. No one. Lauren wasn’t here. Shit. I raked my hair in frustration. Then I saw it. On the kitchen counter was a note and keys.

Dear Daniel,

Thank you for everything but I am sorry that I cannot stay.
I need to leave and I don’t know where I am going but I need to be alone for a while. Please don’t look for me. My apartment, you can do whatever you want with it. Keep it. Sell it. Whatever.

Lauren

    And that was it. She was gone. All I had of her was a memory that I cannot let go of and an apartment that I would probably never sell. I never really had her. She was never mine. 

Train

They were in the train. They were always in a crowded train. It were only afternoons when they were going home that they got to be alone from everyone. It were these quiet afternoons on the train that she got to see him without his arrogance and laughter. He merely talked quietly with that smile of his.

The carriage jolted and her head bumped against his chest. She felt his chuckle as he patted her head. She was used to his touch by now and smiled at his warmth. But this time, his touch lingered. Sometimes, that happened. It were these little moments that she carried in her heart. His large hand remained on her head. Then, she felt the pressure on her head increased as he leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his own hand. The very one on her head.

She gazed up at him with a questioning look but he stared ahead unmoving. That moment of warmth suddenly gone. And so they remained silent for the rest of the trip until her stop. The doors opened and a flow of people moved out. He uttered a goodbye and she stepped away from him with her words just above a whisper, 'If you're going to kiss me, have the audacity to do it properly or don't at all.'  Either the way, his girlfriend would not appreciate what had happened. No matter how innocent it had seemed. She wanted to ask him what it meant but the words died in her throat. With a heavy sigh, she disappeared into the streets. She needed to get home.

Still You

I looked up from my newspaper as you walk passed with her.
For a second, I was lost. I was drowning in memories of last year. And I couldn't surface for air. I was suffocating. But it was only for a second before I regained consciousness and buried myself under my layers of worldly updates. It was too soon. It was too soon. It has been almost a year since the last time I saw you but it was still too soon. I was not ready. I don't think I'll ever be. I won't ever be ready for an awkward half-hour train ride being the third wheel.

I'm sorry.

I closed my eyes as I let the sound of creaking metal wash over me. When I opened my eyes again, the train had already reached my stop. Quickly, I shouldered my bag and raced onto the stairs. I knew you were behind me. You were somewhere in the crowd behind me but I dared not look back. My headphones bellowed in my ears and I was thankful that all I could hear was my own stabbing heart.  I escaped onto my bus with a small triumphant smile, I was safe.

I stared out the window and realised that you were there. No, I knew you were there. I could always feel your presence. It was an innate instinct. You held my eyes as you smiled passed. I couldn't help but smile too. I always smiled when you did. It was a habit. Because I was happy as long as you were happy.

I grinned to myself and forgot why I was hiding from you in the first place. I couldn't believe I wanted to escape from you. When you still made me smile. When you were still the person that enveloped me in warmth. When my heart still beats for you.

You are still special.

Second best

I weave through the crowds of mangled bodies.
People scream into my ears and their yells echo through the veins of my body. There is too much noise.
I can't concentrate. I can't find anyone. My eyes search for familiar faces. I can't find him. Enough yelling and pushing. You're not whom I'm looking for.

There.
There you are. We lock eyes through the mass of coloured heads. You reach for me through the tangled limbs.
Our fingers brush and we're together finally. With hands interlocked, we dance through the blur of strangers. It doesn't matter. They don't matter. You pull me in close, our bodies moulding into each other. You press into my collarbone and burn my skin. You leave your territorial marks all over my neck. You stare at me with your smirk, daring me to protest. But I don't.

Until I remember.

'Don't you have a girl friend?'

'I love her but I'm allowed to like you, aren't I?'

I don't reply. My answer catches in my throat. I don't know if I like the idea of being second best.

I don't remember Prince Charming to be such a prick.

I looked up at you with worried eyes, "You'll be there then?"
You gazed down at me with that smile of yours and ruffled my hair,
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."
But silently, we both knew that you would miss it for her.

 

Sometimes, I wonder why you were so different.
You never made my heart race like it does with other boys.
I only ever felt warmth from you.
Somehow, that made you special.

Do you suppose you ever had feelings for me?

Haunting my dreams

I dream of you more than anyone else.
You are like the mist that surrounds me.
You're always around me.
And nothing I do ever helps.

Everytime you leave me
Its like I'm plunged into water
Its because you already got her
So please just leave me be.

Please stop plaguing my dreams.
I hate having you so far yet so near.
I hate having these feelings for you, Dear.
Because you can't hear my silent screams.

Pull and Push

Pull and push. Pull and push.
I'm always playing a game of tug-o-war.
Pull him closer. Reel in the fish. Hold him closer to your heart.
But don't let him hear how much it hurts.
Don't let him know how much he really values.
He's a mere codfish. Just like the many others.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
After being so close to your insides but not quite touching,
Throw him far away into the sea.
Pull and push. Pull and push.
I don't want him close when can't have him.
Scrunch him up like newspaper and throw away.
Just like my heart that was never caught.
Push and throw away.

Don't you cry

Hush little self in the mirror,
Don't you cry.
Everything will be all right.
Things are finally going your way.
Studying will eventually pay.
It should not matter that he wasn't there.
Because there are definitely people who care.
So hush pitiful little girl,
Don't you dare shed a tear.
For someone who isn't here.

Dear Love,

I already knew this but again I've come to face the truth more then ever. My connection with you is indeed restricted to that one place. Outside of there I don't ever really see you. I can't. Both our conscience stops us from seeing each other. Because its wrong. You said it yourself. Things will get out of control and we would end up doing things we will regret. Why? Why does it even have to lead to that? Why can't things ever be simple with you? Why don't you speak to me?

Is it because you think with your cock instead with your heart?

That's what I hate about men. And yet why can't I bear not seeing you? I hate how irrational I am. My mother told me not to fall for someone who won't return my feelings because I'll only be in pain. And yet. My heart doesn't listen. Time and time again. Love goes out my control.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be angry with you when all this time you've been gentle with me. It's just so frustrating. Playing this game of pretend. All I ever do is lie. But this lie keeps us both happy. Even if only on surface, I want to be able to keep smiling together with you. But. How long will this kind of fragile friendship last before everything is just too much for either you or I to handle?

Everything would be so much simpler if I didn't have any feelings for you.

You're not my cup of tea.

What is love? What compels one to like a person and not the other? These things are never easy to explain. Much less trying to explain it to the very person that you cannot return your feelings to.

I'm sorry.

I know that no matter how many times I apologise it doesn't change the fact that I hurt you.  You're upset that I didn't give you enough chances to prove yourself. But what was never there won't ever be. And I'm sorry but I never meant to be cruel. It was never my intention. But its just not meant to be.

But I have to wonder about your intentions.

Digging through sand with nails half broken and half way to nowhere. I graze my knees against soiled jewels and dented treasure chests. All are beautiful and all are pleasing. But none are to my liking. I'm searching for something. I'm waiting. I'm always waiting for the right moment. For the right one. For him.

But I don't know who.

Why is does it only work one way?
Why do you like me yet I don't feel a single emotion. Except disgust.
Don't touch me so freely when anyone else will do. As long as they're cute.
Don't touch me when there is still so much for you to learn. You jumping ahead of yourself.
Then again, maybe I'm just too picky?
I want that star that hangs delicately between night and dawn.Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?
What is wrong with wanting that missing puzzle piece?

Come back when you finally understand the meaning behind my words.

I'm sorry. But love is never easy.

I hate how clueless you are to my feelings.

Please come out from where ever you're hiding

It took me a long time to realise this but Adrian has taken the role of a prince. This story was never meant to be a fairytale. So why is Adrian so perfect? I find it so sad that he's so idealistic. Why can't such a man exist in this world? Why doesn't he exist in my life? Where are all the Adrians playing hide-and-seek? I'm so sick of this game.

I'm still wondering around aimlessly, playing trial and error.

And it's so frustrating. It's so damn frustrating that I can't find him. And I'm still young. I know that. But I'm not going to continue being young forever. Tomorrow I turn 19. I'm almost 20. I've almost lived 20 years. If I live to 60 than that's 1/3 of my life. If I live to 80 than its 1/4. I feel that I'm quickly running out of time.

But I don't know where to look. Or if I should just simply sit and wait.
I hate waiting the most. I hate waiting for people. Because I'm scared that they'll never come. And I'll just be standing there. In that little corner, wasting away. That has happened before. So I really hate waiting.
I don't want to be that pathetic lonely little girl. Ever. Again.

People give me sad looks when I talk about Love. I know what it means: She's desperate. They say that it shouldn't matter. That I don't need men to find happiness. But it sounds so disbelieving when the people who are telling me this are already in long committed relationships. Did you know that in psychological studies that there are evidence that people in relationships are more happy than people who are not? That relationships are one of the keys to happiness? Even psychology is backing me up. I can't be wrong.

God. I know that I'm rambling. And that I said that I wouldn't blog about such depressing things again but I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do. Adrian is based on someone that is real. Now I don't know what to do with him. It's just so damn frustrating. It shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't hurt at all because I said that I wouldn't care. But this time, I actually thought that I had a chance. Now I don't know what to do.

Instead of being a great writer, I'm just simply a very lonely woman.

Logically and rationally it shouldn't matter.
But it's so frustrating. It's just so damn frustrating.

Questions

There's so much I want to ask you. How have you been lately? The words tumble out of my pen like a toddler walking: clumsy and awkward. Sometimes, I structure sentences inside my mind and taste how the letters roll off my tongue. Where are you? There are days, where I feel like grabbing a brush and just paint out my feelings onto my bedroom walls that are too empty. What are you doing? Then again, my room will be too crowded with no space for the words to go. It's a balloon with too much air. Doom to explode.

People are surprised that I still think of you. You're on my mind always. Who are you with? I merely don't share you with others. People grow tired of my repetition. And frankly, so do I. When will it stop? My friends are always with me. They're important to me. They keep me sane. They keep me walking forward while I keep looking back at you. Do you ever think about me? I know secretly, I'm waiting for your replies that will never come. Why don't you reply? Because, the letters never left my heart. They are tucked away safely where I will bring them out in the future when I can proudly say: I'm happy. That day will come.
Are you happy?

That's all I want to know.

Quoting Mondays

The four-leaved clover:

I only want your happiness, knowing

I can never be yours to share it

      Clover by CLAMP

PS: Is it just me or is the youtube screen thing too big??