Day 26: Nightmare

Late nights envelope me in their insomnia
Nightmares clutch their out stretch claws
We're going to make your dreams a living Hell
They say as they whisper black magic into my ears
Don't even try to lucid dream
I listen to the calm of your voice through the phone
I only know that you are real
Everything else is but a nightmare
But even you can't save me from my insecurity
I haven't felt you in so long
I'm becoming warped in illusions
No one answers to my questions
When will I stop being haunted by psychopaths?
How long will I remain afraid?
Am I dreaming?

Day 25: Acoustics

Beating belts and slamming doors
Screams that shatter floors
Broken plates and bleeding sores
I don't know who we are anymore
Fuck you bitch and fuck you whore
Are weapons of our hating wars
Crooked frames and cracked jaws
I don't think we love anymore

Day 24: Frost Bite

Note: Late again, I know. Been so busy with studying!

Nights are cold beyond my fingertips
Without you to hold, I'm frosting up inside
Friction your palms up along my insides
So that my blood will flow warm again
Kiss me hard until I can't breathe
Leave moist frost bites along my skin
Because Darling, you are my haemoglobin
You keep my heart pumping
My blood running high
So snow just dissolves underneath my tongue
Like the traces of your warmth
Unless we're pressed together
Like the frozen surface of an un breathing lake.

Day 23: Disenchantment

Sublime and nature swims circles around my head
Like Rousseau and his rowing boat
Enlightenment was only enough to keep my eyes barely open
To the fate Oedipus was blindly charging towards
Disenchantment is the reason why Alice jumped down that rabbit hole
She couldn't take anymore of Franklin's bourgeois routine life
Where was the freedoms found?
Text and Traditions is the reason why I need disenchantment
Give me that mythical drink, that pretty little pill
Let's forget the Underground

Day 22: 2011

2011 was the year where everything that could go wrong, did. It was the year where I was drowning in everyone's expectations but more importantly I was pushing my own head underneath the water. And I couldn't breathe. Every time I think back to that year, I find myself hyperventilating.

I'm afraid of failing.

2011 was the year where I let myself fall into temptation out of desperation. It wasn't love. And it wasn't quite lust either. It was just two lonely people seeking comfort in each other's warmth. At that far corner of my mind, I knew you were using me but I let you because I was using you too. I needed to feel my heart bashing against my ribcage. I needed to feel loved. I needed to feel alive.

I was afraid that I was dying inside.

2011 was the year where I died inside my head almost every night. I thought I was going crazy. I was losing a battle with the crazies inside my mind. I spent my days psychoanalysing myself. I was one step away from a mental breakdown. And I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want anyone to know that I was losing.

I was afraid of my own shame.

2011 was the year where I barely survived. I came out of that abyss with scars that would haunt me for life. It was the year where I met you and learned to doubt emotions. You told me what I wanted to hear. You tainted my precious words. Promises to you meant nothing: they were simply sweet nothings.

I'm afraid of promises.

Day 21: Holding Hands in the Rain

Note: Sorry for the late post! I had a lot going on this weekend.

We held hands in the rain while trying to stay desperately dry underneath your umbrella. In the distance, the harbour bridge lights up rainbows. The queue moved suddenly but slowly. I jabbed your rib every time you said that we were finally moving because every time you spoke, the queue stopped again.

We held hands in the rain as we waited for the concert gates to open. Every time the queue suddenly moved and stopped, I thought that the girl in front of me would poke my eyes out with her umbrella. Everyone was so jammed together, afraid that the concert would start without them.

We held hands in the rain as we strolled through the harbour with hot chocolate lingering on our tongues. Skipping puddles, we shared shivers of the first official winter night, our fluttering breaths disapparating in the air. We couldn't imagine how cold the rest of Winter would get.

We held hands in the rain because you said, "Don't let go." You wanted a change in our relationship. I wanted a transition. And we continued to hold hands because you adapted to my pace. Our footsteps echoed through the streets as we stepped into your car, finally driving home after a concert that left our hearts beating hard.

Day 20: I won't let you win

This is to you, the douche who felt me up,

This is the only acknowledgement I will give you. Because you don't deserve this attention. I have saved a photo of you and I know that you know I took that photograph. And I will keep it and I will remember your face because the next time I see you, I won't be afraid. The next time I see you, you had better run.

I am strong. I worked so hard to become strong so that no one can make me feel otherwise. So that assholes like you cannot make me feel vulnerable. And I hate myself so much for not standing up to  you because no one, absolutely no one is allowed to make me feel fear. I don't want to hate myself for your actions. You don't deserve such feelings. I hate you for making me feel this way. For penetrating my comfort zone. I hate you for making me cry.

This is my promise to you, next time I see you, it is you who will cry.
And I always keep my promises.

Day 19: One of Those Nights

Tonight is just one of those nights
Where weeks and days have taken their toll
And I just want to pull my hair and scream out of control
Tonight is just one of those nights
Where a double bed is twice too large for an empty heart
And I just want to fetal curl and fall apart
Tonight is just one of those nights
Where I pull out that hidden bottle of vodka
And drink myself into a schizophrenic coma
Tonight is just one of those nights
Where calculations of money is lost in The Tardis
And I can't remember what I purchased
Tonight is just one of those nights
Where I would get lost in momentary danger
And wake up next morning with a stranger
Tonight is just one of those nights
Where a bottle of vodka simply won't do
And the burn is just a cheap replacement of you

Day 18: Sneak Peek

Note: This is a sneak peek on a chapter from my manuscript I've been working on. I've redone this chapter three times. I think I'm finally getting where I want with it.

I stab my shaking heel into his crotch and twist until I hear him scream. This is my revenge. It's not even one tenth of my pain but this is all I would ever do. I gather the remains of my clothes and my dignity, nursing my raptured innocence back into the hotel. Once inside the confines of my room I strip out of my dress and turn on the shower. Hot. Extremely hot. I step into the shower, letting the water run down my body. I clutch onto the sponge and rub my skin. Every inch. Every centimetre. Every millimetre of bruised and tainted skin. Until I'm raw and hurting. I let myself be consumed by this new pain. Now I cry. 

After the shower, I scatter the contents of my luggage. It's not there. It's not there. The small bottle of pills aren't there. I walk to the kitchen and pour myself warm water to calm my nerves. I sip the liquid as I walk back and forth across my room. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth until my eyes swim with vertigo. I feel sick. I am sick. My whole body convulses, curved like a snake as I bend over with my hand clutching my mouth. I'm going to vomit. I let myself go into the toilet bowl, unsure whether this disgust is from the alcohol or from him. I rinse my mouth with tap water and then a mug of brewed coffee. I gaze out the large window with views of the cityscape. I let go of the breath I was holding as the sun finally rises; its orange warmth reflecting off skyscraper windows. 

The pharmacy will open soon. 

Day 17: Letter of Farewell

These are the words I would have said at your funeral if I had attended. If only I had known. You were a good man. My memory of you will always be of you struggling to get up from your seat in your old age to welcome me into your home. A warm second home.

Rest in peace, up there in heaven. Where surely that is where you are now. I promise I will look after the boys. My brother and your grandson because they're both my brothers. I will make sure that they grow up to become good proper men. To make sure they don't follow the wrong crowds, don't lose their way but if they do, I'll be there to guide them back onto the right path to a good and moral life. I promise to be there in your place. I will love both the boys.

These are my words to you.