I think I established earlier on somewhere that I am a walking contradiction.
I say that I trust everyone. I give them the benefit of the doubt. And to a certain extent I do trust everyone.
I am extremely comfortable talking about myself to complete strangers as I am doing so right this instant.
I always want to make close connections with people I come in contact with. I delight in making bonds and memories with everyone I meet.
However. . .
The second someone becomes too close I get agitated. Extremely agitated. And I don't know why.
The instant someone starts to know too much about me, I start to panic. I feel uncomfortable. As though a caterpillar is crawling under my skin. Then I want to push them away. Far far away.
After I push them away, I begin to feel lonely again. I don't want to be alone but I don't want anyone to be too close. I don't understand myself. I'm a walking contradiction. I want to be happy with everyone and I want to be loved. I say I trust everyone but underneath those words are lies. . .
Every time someone becomes too close I start to doubt them just a little. You are lying. In my mind, I start to question them. Was that the truth? Analyse them. Are you real? The closer someone is to my heart the more insecure I become. I'm lying. Somewhere, I already knew the answer. I'm scared. I don't want anyone to hate me. The closer someone is, the more they know about me. And I'm scared that they will hate me.
I'm ugly.
I want to make things that are ugly into something beautiful. And maybe one day someone will call me beautiful. One day...I'll actually believe them. Because maybe one day I can be beautiful.
3 comments:
I read Vencora's post too and I'm very much the same way. Perhaps that's why I like blogging so much. I can write openly without worrying too much about my IRL peeps thinking I'm neurotic. - G
i still think i'm ugly sometimes, but it took my sooo long to get to a point where i didn't think i was ugly almost all the time. i always just felt so weird and different from everybody else. like you, i love meeting new people and forming bonds with them. if it helps, try looking at yourself the way you look at others. i, too, need to learn to be less afraid, that there's nothing wrong with who i am, and that if it turns out some people don't like me, well, those opinions are theirs, not mine.
@Vencora:Thank you. I'll try.You're right, other people's opinions shouldn't matter so much.
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