This was inspired by Vencora's post Highlighting another weakness
I think I established earlier on somewhere that I am a walking contradiction.
I say that I trust everyone. I give them the benefit of the doubt. And to a certain extent I do trust everyone.
I am extremely comfortable talking about myself to complete strangers as I am doing so right this instant.
I always want to make close connections with people I come in contact with. I delight in making bonds and memories with everyone I meet.
However. . .
The second someone becomes too close I get agitated. Extremely agitated. And I don't know why.
The instant someone starts to know too much about me, I start to panic. I feel uncomfortable. As though a caterpillar is crawling under my skin. Then I want to push them away. Far far away.
After I push them away, I begin to feel lonely again. I don't want to be alone but I don't want anyone to be too close. I don't understand myself. I'm a walking contradiction. I want to be happy with everyone and I want to be loved. I say I trust everyone but underneath those words are lies. . .
Every time someone becomes too close I start to doubt them just a little. You are lying. In my mind, I start to question them. Was that the truth? Analyse them. Are you real? The closer someone is to my heart the more insecure I become. I'm lying. Somewhere, I already knew the answer. I'm scared. I don't want anyone to hate me. The closer someone is, the more they know about me. And I'm scared that they will hate me.
I want to make things that are ugly into something beautiful. And maybe one day someone will call me beautiful. One day...I'll actually believe them. Because maybe one day I can be beautiful.
Caption: My friends and I are tree monkeys ^^
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