Love Song for a Distant Star

Today, I'll write a song meant only for you.
But has a melody you won't be able to hear.
Because to you, I have yet to exist.
To me, you are a distant star that I cannot grasp.
I can only hope that my voice reaches you.

Listen well; I'll only say this once.
This is a love song for a distant star,
who sings from a far away horizon.
Every day, I'm dreaming of you.
I'm always calling for your name.
Listen, please listen carefully.
Can't you hear my quivering words?
Distant star, don't stay ignorant forever.
Hurry up and realise that I love you.

Yesterday, I heard your guitar strumming quietly.
I fell in love with the sorrow singing inside your heart.
I want to be the arms that comfort you to sleep.
But you were so far away, a distant glowing star.
Falling, please fall into my welcoming arms.

And Listen well; I'll only say this once.
This is a love song for a distant star,
who sings from a far away horizon.
Every day, I'm dreaming of you.
I'm always calling for your name.
Listen, please listen carefully.
Can't you hear my quivering words?
Distant star, don't stay ignorant forever.
Hurry up and realise that I love you.

Tomorrow, we'll shine together on that stage.
Hands held tightly, you are my only muse.
I won't ever let you stand alone again.
Our voices will soar together through the night.
We'll cast a spell over the crowds.

So, listen well; I'll only say this once.
This is a love song for a distant star,
who sings from a far away horizon.
Every day, I'm dreaming of you.
I'm always calling for your name.
Listen, please listen carefully.
Can't you hear my quivering words?
Distant star, don't stay ignorant forever.
Hurry up and realise that I love you.
Distant star, don't stay ignorant forever.
Hurry, hurry up and finally realise.
That I love you.    

                                                                                               

 Note: I wrote this with the intention of it becoming a song however, I sadly lack musical knowledge so it will remain as only lyrics. If anyone knows song writing, could you please use these lyrics to write a song? (Lyrics inspired by previous post)

Distant Star

I’m lying with my stomach on my bed, my pen scrawling words onto paper. I’m writing you a love song with lyrics only you will understand. But has a melody you probably won’t be able to hear. Because to you, I don’t yet exist. My name is an unborn foetus waiting to be spoken from your lips. Hurry up and realise that I love you. Don’t be ignorant forever.

    You are like a distant star. Smiling and singing from that far away place. Only your voice travels through the radio, encouraging me to run towards you. You are my goal. The finish line with the fluttering chequered flag. If I keep on running, if I reach towards your shining light, one day you will be within my grasp. 

     For now, I’ll be content with strumming this simple song, quietly waiting for the day we share the same stage. Together, we’ll cast a spell over the audience, “You’ve fallen for me.” Every day, in my head, I’m day dreaming of the moment we meet. That day, you will no longer be a distant wish but have become a reality. So hurry up and realise that I love you.

Neverland Night

 Note: Sorry for not posting yesterday. To make up for yesterday, I'm posting two poems today. Sorry for flooding your news feed!

- - - - - -

 Neverland Night.

Peter Pan, whisk me away to Neverland.
Let's ride the ferry to a distant paradise.
In twilight, we land on the white beach with our hands entwined.
The cool sand cakes our toes.
The thundering waves crashes at our knees.
We're at an isolated paradise.
Where we aren't burdened with adult responsibilities.
Peter Pan, let me stay here forever, please.
But you just hold my hand as the night darkens.
We walk along the shore, collecting fireflies and trinkets.
They're souvenirs for my return.
Because, I'm Wendy Darling and I have to grow up.
Stars dance along the waves, singing my farewell.
You let go of my hand and I board the ferry back, alone.
I said, "Peter Pan, whisk me away to Neverland."
But you never promised that I could stay.
The night can't remain young forever.
And all children must grow up, except one.
Peter Pan.

Strong

Once, a sparrow was caught in a tinted cage of over nurture.
All she wanted to do was fly, she chirped at the man.
But all he saw was her small delicate wings.
 
The world is not a place for little ones.
The strong winds would knock you down
And predators would swallow you whole.

But she wasn't afraid.
The sky was her home and it sang to her.
She refused to eat until he gave her freedom.

The world may not be kind to little ones.
But I'm stronger than you believe.
Your love is restraining where it is meant to release.

He was reluctant to let her go but didn't want her to die.
She kissed him farewell and disappeared amongst the clouds,
Leaving him a song to remember, always.

All I need is silence and someone to hold

Sometimes, life can get overwhelming with all it's mishaps, constant obstacles and wave-crashing amount of pressure. It's during these times where it's easy to fall apart. Little things. Just a cycle of little wrong things can set you to tears and you spend hours hiding in your room crying because you can't explain to anyone why you're so upset. You just are.

You are physically, mentally and emotionally tired. There is a constant hammering going inside your head for days and no matter how much panadol you take, the pain doesn't go away. Your muscles ache from doing God knows what. You're sleep deprived when all you want to do is close your eyes and possibly never wake up. Your house has become a place where you want to escape from as often as possible. As soon as you return home, you're tired again. There's just so much noise. There is never quiet. When all you need is silence to calm your collapsing nerves.

All I need is silence and someone to hold while I try to recollect all my broken pieces.

I miss you

It's a new year. A new day.
But I feel so old.
I smile with friends when I feel like crying but I don't.
Because this was a choice I made.
And nothing I do or say will change anything.
I just wish you were here beside me right now.
I only dare whisper it into my pillow.
Because, it is cruel of me to want you,
When I was the one who walked away.
I miss you.

Lullaby in the Stars

If I am to fall asleep, I want to rest my head on your lap and watch as ghost like horses gallop across the poker dot sky. I want to feel your fingers threading through my hair like a comb and hear the low rumbling of your voice. You point to the Hunter in the sky and whisper promises of protection into my ear. "All I want is your love" I say, as I reach up and brush the back of my knuckles against your cheek.

Some nights, when the stars are playing hide-and-seek behind clouds; I curl up on our couch and you sit on the stool that is worn out as this Earth. And you strum my favourite song with the guitar I gave you last Christmas. Your voice is the lullaby I fall asleep to. Your arms are the warmth that lifts me to the stars.
All I need is you. Love.

You're not my cup of tea.

What is love? What compels one to like a person and not the other? These things are never easy to explain. Much less trying to explain it to the very person that you cannot return your feelings to.

I'm sorry.

I know that no matter how many times I apologise it doesn't change the fact that I hurt you.  You're upset that I didn't give you enough chances to prove yourself. But what was never there won't ever be. And I'm sorry but I never meant to be cruel. It was never my intention. But its just not meant to be.

But I have to wonder about your intentions.

Digging through sand with nails half broken and half way to nowhere. I graze my knees against soiled jewels and dented treasure chests. All are beautiful and all are pleasing. But none are to my liking. I'm searching for something. I'm waiting. I'm always waiting for the right moment. For the right one. For him.

But I don't know who.

Why is does it only work one way?
Why do you like me yet I don't feel a single emotion. Except disgust.
Don't touch me so freely when anyone else will do. As long as they're cute.
Don't touch me when there is still so much for you to learn. You jumping ahead of yourself.
Then again, maybe I'm just too picky?
I want that star that hangs delicately between night and dawn.Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?
What is wrong with wanting that missing puzzle piece?

Come back when you finally understand the meaning behind my words.

I'm sorry. But love is never easy.

Butterflies

I'm in love with butterflies but not with their caterpillars
I hate that awkward stage that is called ugly before the beautiful
That period in our lives where we stand in front of the mirror, pinching
The little stomach fat between slim fingers, with criticising voices in our heads.
I want to sleep in that cotton thin cocoon like a baby in his crib
And dream of nothing but the scent of daisies and honey.
Not having to over analyse body language and words spoken
Merely because I'm overly self conscious.
I want to quickly become someone else that is actually
Myself but in the future, standing tall with wings of a swallowtail.
Is it possible to skip through time and not have to endure the years
That are unwanted to the fragile paperthin heart?
And as a butterfly lands on my wrist, I can feel it's heartbeat
That pulses into my own like a lifeline that's promising
A love that is platonic and something more
Something that cannot be explained by mere words
But an action.

And I still wonder what's it's like to emerge from an eternal sleep
With wings so new that's dripping wet like the rain that is
Clumsy as a toddler's first walk to their waiting mother.
Tell me, that people don't whisper behind my back that word
That is my most feared and maybe they don't.
Maybe it's all in my head, those snickering smiles that don't reach their eyes.
Those people aren't really standing on the other side of my bedroom mirror
Mimicking and pretending to be a me that is unbearable to see.
But there is no one.
Just me.

An insecure and easily wounded girl who is waiting for that cocoon
To wrap layers of magic and wishes to mould her into someone she can love.
She wants to quickly run away from the caterpillar that crawls inside her
And morph into thousands of rainbow transparent butterflies.
That will love her past, her present and her future
Her and no other.

             

If only dreams were reality

Have you ever woken up from a dream, feeling so blissfully happy?
Have you ever woken up from a dream crying because you wanted it to be reality?
Dreams.
Sometimes, if only they were reality.
Today, I woke up from a dream feeling very loved. It was the best feeling ever, nothing could describe it. It was innocent and full of happiness. I won't tell you what I dreamed about though because then it would never reoccur.
This dream though, has to be my most favourite.

Do you have a favourite dream that could be shared with the bloggosphere?

Night of the Full Moon

Every night, I count a star that I have yet to have seen onto my ceiling sky. I'm adding them like the days that come to pass. Slowly, time is accumulating on top my last encounter with you. And I'm proud to say I'm content. But I still anticipate the waning and blooming of the moon; to the night that its her fullest.

Will I on that night be able to see you weaving in and out of people's way. Will our eyes meet for a fleeting second and disappear into the shadows of clothes as though it's a mere illusion. There's something magical about the flash of a red coat. It is like waking in the morning with the lingering happiness of a dream. Magic. It is like watching almost transparent lanterns floating into the sky to become another star to wish on.

On the night of the Full Moon, will you be standing somewhere in the crowd of thousands of people, watching as I will for the blooming of fire blown flowers? Or will you be dancing with the golden headed dragons that fly above shoulders with a throbbing heart beat of drums. Ba-bum Ba-bum Ba-bum. And will I get a chance to whisper a  'Hello' before once again walking away with my friends to enjoy a night where magic can happen.

Magic.
It is like the fleeting chances of a firefly's light.
Or
The blooming of the moon.

First Day Back and Lots of Ramblings

First day back at university and I already kind of, well more like definitely loathe it. My 2nd semester timetable is actually worse than my 1st (Didn't think it was possible). Every Monday, my only lecture is at 6pm and it only goes for 1hour. And travelling takes 3 hours in total. Where is the balance in the ratio!!??

With my being back to studying, there will sadly be less frequent posts but I promise to write something at least once every week.

Omg... all the travelling has finally taken its toll on me. So sleepy. My eyelids are becoming heavy and yes, I realise I'm totally rambling on....

One last thing before you all escape from this poor girl's ramblings.
A lady I met at the train station today said I looked 10!!!!!!!! I thought 12 was bad *cries* And I know she didn't mean it in an insulting way (because she was smiling) but still.... I'm turning 19 this year. I know I'm becoming older with every year but still, I look like a child. Some people always want to look young but I just want to look my age. I don't think I'm asking for much.

Untitled Feelings: The Boy (story)

 Hello beloved Lovesick Fools !! I miss you guys so much !!! Finally got a story that is hopefully decent enough for the long wait. It will be a somewhat long story so I'm dividing it into parts. Not sure how many yet. But all should be well. Enjoy and any improvements?

 Part 1: The Boy

Love. What does such a word actually mean? Is it mutual feelings for one another? Or. Wanting someone with each and every cell in your body? Or. Knowing that the person she loves isn't you and still stupidly and readily you'll wait for that one moment where your eyes meet? Let me tell you what love is. What it really is. Love is bullshit. Love waits for when you're most unguarded and stealthily, it digs into your skin and swims into your blood stream until it becomes your blood. Until it is everywhere. Even if all along, you struggled and fought for your rational mind. Even if you don't want to; you will become Love.

She. She is someone who I always see but have hardly spoken to. She is my friend's elder sister. Someone who I haven't known for long. However, there is no other who can describe her better than I. Sometimes, when she smiles there are the slight dents of dimples and yet sometimes when upset, her small lips disappear into a thin line. That is the initial sign for you to runaway. Run and run very fast. Sometimes, when she looks as though she is bored, she is actually thinking of a place in the distance. Somewhere I cannot see. Somewhere beyond my reach.




The house was a living bomb. With each second, more and more walked through the front door. In every dark corner was a couple tangled in a web of drunken lies. In every bathroom sink or toilet was fresh vomit and lying on the ground was a poor sick fool. Why was the party thrown at my house? That was the last time I was being a pushover. My house was similar to trash yard. Those stupid mother fuckers weren't leaving until every used condom or beer bottle was chucked in the bin. I was so screwed. My parents were going to slaughter me. Fuck.

I escaped into the night for the trees' refreshing voices. I sat in the dark as lonely as an abyss. In the moonlight materialised a silent figure. She was the sky's fairy. Walking as though she was gliding, her white dress hugged her petite figure. When she stopped in front of me, I saw tears glistering down her cheeks. Her eyes stared at my own and I became lost in her hues of despair. Why did it hurt to look at her? Was silence ever that painful? Then there was a whisper as fragile as glass: Will you love me? As spontaneous as her question, she collapsed on top of me, sleeping. What the hell? What was that? I didn't get a chance to answer her question. . .Somewhere inside me was a fraction of disappointment. I didn't quite understand. I shifted slightly, so that her head rested on my shoulder. And closed my eyes.
Good night.


I woke up to the glare of the sun and nothingness. She was gone. She left nothing. Not even her name. Was she real to begin with or was she a figment of my imagination? Was I that wrecked? I dragged myself inside to analyse the war zone. I side stepped the drunken corpses and pools of undigested food. Fuck. That was the last time I listened to Jake. Fuck. Why was there a butt naked blonde on my mattress? And was that Tom sleeping underneath my bed? God. Man, why my bed? Fuck, my bed was going to reek. I pealed off the sheets and my shirt from the night before. The blonde rolled off and continued to sleep on the ground, undisturbed. Just as I chucked the pile into the washing machine, I caught a faint scent. Rain.

So....I was totally grounded. Indefinitely. Every single minute of my distant future was going to be spent on cleaning the grime off our walls and paying back mother's vases, broken piece by broken piece. Life hated me. During dinner, mother was smiling ear to ear while whispering into father's ear. Something was wrong. She shouldn't be smiling. She was up to something. I eyed the spoon as she delicately placed it onto the table. Then she dabbed her handkerchief, wiping her mouth. Finally, she spoke: William. I. Hired. You. A. Private. Tutor.

God hated me.

The next afternoon found me pacing around our lounge room while Jake played COD. Why was he so calm? How could he just play video games while I waited. Tormented. Why was I getting a private tutor? Was he a man from the depths of Dante's Inferno? Was I going to be tormented slowly but surely? Why was I getting a private tutor? Then, the doorbell rang its siren's song of doom. I grunted at Jake to open it and he did so with a smirk: Hey Sis. I opened my eyes. My tutor was Jake's older sister? Jake had an older sister? From where I hid, I heard a voice as familiar and mesmerising as a nightingale.

At our door step was her.

(To be Continued...)

3 years' Unknowing: Scar (Final part)

Writing this made me feel so many emotions. I was happy and then I was sad enough to cry. I hope that with this, I can finally move on. I'm sorry if its too long but many things happened last year.
------------

 3 years Unknowing

Part 1: The Beginning
Part 2: Digging Deeper

            Part 3: Scar

We file out of the cinema with the murmur of people around us. I turn to him asking: Where to now? He opens his mouth to answer but instead what I hear is the sound of stomach rumbling. He chuckles softly: Food it is. We walk pass stores with shining glass that are almost like mirrors; mirrors reflecting my fleeting dream. I glance at the image of us through the windows and see an almost happy couple. Almost, because we're not lovers. We enter the Food Court and I order a Roller from KFC while he buys a Big Mac from McDonald's. I sit across from him and stare at passing strangers behind him. Couples, walking hand-in-hand. I envy them. But right now, I am with Victor and that's all that matters. For a little while, I can pretend.



I gazed out the window of my new bedroom. In the end, we moved back to this neighborhood. If it was early last year, I would be overjoyed that once again, I'm living in the same town as Victor but now, everything seemed for nothing. Outside the window, my street seemed so peaceful and happy that I couldn't help but longed for the rain. If only it could rain inside my house. I wished that the rain hid the fact that I was being pathetic. I wished the rain drowned my tears.


Days turned into weeks and mashed into the last month until I welcomed the New Year with a pained heart. Every night, I would talk to Victor like how I usually would but soon the conversations were filled with her. Reading his words on the screen, I could picture his smile. I knew that smile too well, the same dreamy smile I always had when I thought of him. Instead, he always thought of her. I watched as he slowly made progress with her. Always, encouraging him. Why is it that he always came back to me, with updates and smiling so happily? Because, I was his good friend. That was merely it. And I was left watching him walk away, step by step.


Every day, I wrote him love letters. Every day, I said that I would send them to him but every day, the letters were tucked away. The contents were always different but they all held the same message: I love you. Underneath my bed, the letters piled up slowly like my feelings with nowhere to go. I was scared of the already knowing answer: No. But I wanted him to recognise those feelings that was so precious to me because if it was Victor, he would understand. Or so I thought.


Somehow, with my last high school year progressing deeper, Victor and I spoke less and less. Sometimes, I sent him my short stories but mostly he never replied. Soon, I stopped sending them . I already knew that they were left unopened in his inbox. There was no point. One day, we stopped talking all together. Even though, I saw him every Sunday. It was like we were strangers with no connection to each other at all. It was as though nothing ever happened. He no longer wanted me. He no longer needed me.

The only thing that kept me together were his songs. The sweet twinkling melodies of his guitar that laced around my heart, delicately holding it into place. If only he would sing, then I could always hear his voice. What happened to the voice that once said that I was cute? If only he would say those words one more time. He was the only one that made "cute" special. One day unexpectedly, I received an offline message from him. It was my gleaming beacon of hope. But inside, merely had two sentences: I finally got her email address. We're close friends now.

What about me? Why? Why would he go through all that trouble just to leave such a message. He stopped talking to me for weeks but out of nowhere, he said that. I felt like such a fool. He didn't understand at all. All my days with him were like dust, whisked away into oblivion. They were meaningless to him. Just like my piled letters of love. I ran upstairs and dug out the letters. They were my only evidence of such a pitiful one-sided love. I wanted them gone. I wanted no more of the pain that throbbed all over my body. I wanted to no longer love. One by one, painful rip by painful rip, I hacked away at the letters until they were shredded like my heart. That night, the sky was littered with snowflakes and rain.




The next week, Valentine's Day came with dread. My school held a Valentine's stand so that secret admirers and lovers could express their feelings. I was not looking forward to seeing roses and hearts fly around the school. It was as though, everyone was mocking me. Tormenting me. Then, I was given a rose and a intricately scribbled card. That day was the first day in a while that I smiled so freely. It was a reminder from my friend who shared my same name:
    "Dear ****
      It sucks not being able to be with the person you like,
      but there will always be people who love you. 
      Remember that.
      Love,
      Your bestest friends who love you"    

It was as though I just opened my eyes. It was the first time I noticed my surroundings. It was the first time that I noticed that my brother had been inviting boys from our street into our house. He had already made new friends. My brother had always been quick to move on. I found that I disliked his new friends incredibly. Especially the one by the name of Justin who was around my age. He was always laughing too loudly and always teasing me. I could never tell if he was joking or being serious. I caught him reading my diary a few times. He promised that he wouldn't ever read it again. Sometimes, he was nice and bought me lollies and sometimes he was an annoying fool. He invaded my personal space. I loathed him. He always knew what I was thinking. He could voice my thoughts before my lips even parted. He crawled under my skin and got inside me. But. . .he made me forget. He was a shoulder to cry on. He hid me from the scar.


A month later, Justin's confession tumbled and collided into my life. It was short, sweet and innocent. He asked if I liked him too and I could only reply with 'Yes'. Because, in truth I did. I thought I was happy with him. I thought I was content. Simply, because I was loved. A few nights later, as I walked him to the front door, he bid me good night: Sweet dreams. I love you. I returned his words with a hesitant smile. The words, they felt dry on my tongue. They felt so unnatural and strange that I wondered for a second, if they were actually mine. In a few days, 'like' had turned into 'love'. I didn't quite understand. But because, it was my first relationship I thought that maybe it was normal.


I came to realise quite soon that Justin was someone that needed a lot of attention. We were always together. Almost, every minute he was beside me. Even when I studied or when I woke up from my afternoon naps. He was always there, watching and waiting for me. Thats what I came to love about him. I was never alone. Later, Justin's friends became my friends. His cousin Kevin also befriended me. All my days were filled with smiles and laughter. Pages of my diary became full of sunshine. However, I was not entirely opened with sharing everything with Justin. I was never someone that voiced my emotions. And he demanded to know everything about me. 'Don't you trust me?' He would ask. I felt like I was put into spotlight but I was guilty for making him think that way: I trust you but I don't feel the need for you to know everything about me. I am my own person. Please don't force me into telling you everything. In the end, he always won. I always became the one at fault . I hated seeing him upset. I didn't want him to hate me. I always apologised first.


Sometimes, I talked to Justin's cousin Kevin. Somehow, he was different to how I first thought. He was indifferent to Justin. Kevin didn't care about him at all. Justin, I discovered got jealous easily. He didn't want me to be too close to his cousin. Justin said that his cousin was trying to take me away. I didn't understand. But soon after that, Kevin plagued me with flirtations and offers to be his girlfriend instead. I didn't understand why he even liked me. We never met. All our conversations were via Justin's msn. One day, I woke up to my Facebook status telling lies: I love Kevin Ly. I couldn't comprehend what happened. How did it come to that? All I knew was that I was left with one heartbroken Justin and myself on the brink of murder: FUCK OFF KEVIN LY. LEAVE US ALONE was my new Facebook status. A few days later, Kevin had the nerve to talk to me on msn again. It seemed like he was always at Justin's house. My brother Jimmy said that something was wrong. Jimmy was a born detective. He told me to continue talking to Kevin. So while I continued the conversation, my brother along with his bestfriend, snuck to Justin's window. Inside, they saw something unexpected. Justin was on the only computer in his house. What if, the person that was trying to break us apart was Justin all along?


My mind had turned tipsy turvy. Things didn't make sense. Why would he do that? Nothing made sense. I couldn't put my finger around what happened. My heart was rescued out of the rubbish bin but only to have my scar ripped open and bled endlessly. I believed him. I trusted him. Was it a test? Didn't he see how much pain I had gone through? I thought he understood me. But I didn't understand him so I did the only thing I could think of. I confronted Justin. He told me that he never pretended to be his cousin before. That day was the only one. I knew that it was unlikely for that to be true. But, I couldn't leave him. I didn't want to return to that state of nothingness. I didn't want to be alone.


Being in a relationship had many ups but almost more downs. I had known Jimmy's best friend Alex for nearly 10 years. Jimmy, Alex and I were always together. We were even going to start a band together with Jimmy on drums, Alex lead guitar and I as the singer. We all got along well dispite the age difference. But then, Justin came to me with his sad eyes: You like Alex don't you? I was speechless. . .How could he have thought that? Alex was a kid (no offence Alex). He was practically another brother to me. Justin wouldn't let the subject drop. He always bombarded me with his doubts. It was unfair, I couldn't be close with my other male friends without Justin doubting me. Most of my friends were boys. Justin, always dug up my scar. It was though, he enjoyed seeing me bleed. Every now and then, Justin would mention Victor. I was forced to listen to my boyfriend badmouth my first love. There was nothing I could do. Whenever I defended Victor, it was like a double edged sword. Justin would question my loyalty. It was unfair.


Because of Justin, I stopped listening to Victor's songs. It pained me because they were my tranquilizer. But Justin said that I only needed him. I should only depend on Justin to lift my spirits. And he did. He like always, listened to me and encouraged me but sometimes it wasn't enough. Year 12 was pulling my hair out. My Art teacher was always disappointed with my artworks. She always changed her mind about what I should have done. She complained endlessly that my sculpture was not up to her standards and that I should do what I was told. She was the only one that didn't like my sculpture. I wanted so badly to rebel against my teacher. I wanted to scream and shout: No. But I was too weak. I cared far too much of how people perceived me. I spent almost every lunch break and afternoon locked inside the art studio. There were always students or teachers walking passed. They all loved my sculpture. But my teacher hated my sculpture and I came to no longer love it. Art was no longer my release. Art became work.


Mother and I argued many times in my final year of high school. Mainly about my career choice. I wanted to be a psychologist. To be able to do something to help others because people always helped me. My career choices changed every year but inside my heart was one constancy: Writer. But writing was merely my own pleasure. I wanted to be more active in people's happiness. I wanted to be a psychologist. However, I was uncertain of my own abilities. I was not confident. It didn't help that my own mother discouraged my decision. She wanted me to be a teacher. I didn't have the will to fight her every day. I gave up.


Halloween came with excitement as it provided a break from my constant studying for the final exams. It was my first Halloween away from my old home. I gathered up a group with Justin and my brothers. It was supposed to be my last Halloween as a teenager. Next month, I would be an adult. Everything was going so well. We collected bags upon bags of sweets and were headed back to my neighbour's house to end the night with horror movies. But then, Justin started being angry with me. He even swore at me. I didn't understand what I did wrong to be treated in such a way. God, I don't understand boys. I don't understand Justin. And that hurt.


He ignored me for days. For the first time in ages, I was all alone. I found myself crying silently during my last exam. All my tears, blurring answers to the questions on the paper and in life. His friend told me that Justin was angry because I teased him on the night of Halloween. I couldn't even remember the words I said but did that make it worse? Was I that much of a cruel girlfriend that I couldn't tell when I hurt his feelings? I hated being alone. I apologised so many times but I was scared of Justin. He walked around my house with a face of a troll. It hurt. It hurt so much that he was ignoring me. It tore up my old wounds. I didn't want to be alone. I was sorry so why didn't he come back? Why wasn't he beside me when I cried myself to sleep?  He lied. He said he would always be there for me.

There was no one to soothe my scar. It slowly became undone until I was left naked. I needed something, anything to hold me alive. I resorted to my last hope: Victor's songs. All I needed to do was close my eyes and allow the gentle strumming to sew up my scar. I fell asleep and woke up to see Victor playing the guitar on my computer. Within that second, something struck my heart. The feeling was familiar, it reminded me of the first time I fell in love with Victor. I loved him because of the way only he could make my heart feel. But it was too late. I now had Justin. I wished Justin would quickly return so my confused feelings would go away.

Something uncomfortable was happening. It was annoying because Justin and I made up. This was all because he left me alone. I was thinking about Victor again. I couldn't believe what was happening. I didn't want this. It was hideous and ugly. Being with Justin didn't make the confusion go away. He made it worse. He constantly insisted me to return to Victor. He made no attempt to keep me. I was desperately trying not to fall in love with Victor again. He was happy without me. I wanted to be happy with Justin. I wanted Justin to make it all go away. To make me love only Justin. But he didn't. He only served to amplify my confusion.
I didn't want this.

The day before my birthday, I came to an epiphany. Justin and I were different. Maybe, I had already known this. But I thought opposites attract. I fell for Justin because he saw through me. But the relationship, somehow it felt lacking. My heart no longer had any room left for Justin. He had left my heart inside out with no feelings. Only a numb sensation. I still cared about Justin. I didn't like seeing him sad or hurt. I especially didn't want to be the cause. But I didn't know what to do.

After my birthday, we took a break. During that time, I confessed to Victor in hope of moving on. I was so afraid that he would hate me but I was washed with a great sense of relief when I read his reply. But I realised from his words that he had always known that I liked him. I wished that he had stopped me before I fell far too deep. But then again, even if he had said anything, my feelings would had still continued to grow.

I wondered. . .All those years together Victor, as friends had he ever thought, 'Ah I could come to like her' or 'I really like her'. Had he ever liked me? Even for just a fraction of a second; I wanted to know that my feelings reached his heart. Even for just a moment. It hurts. It really hurt when I thought like that. Victor was the first one that I loved with all my heart. He was the frist one I wanted to know completely. But I didn't think he ever liked me. We were only friends. Why did I still think like that? Why? Why must I love someone that didn't do anything? That no longer cared? But there was a time he used to care a lot. There was a time when we were extremely close. What happened?

On December 3rd, I sat Justin down and said: Sorry. You're not who I'm looking for. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't say that I loved him anymore. It was Victor. It was always Victor all along. Mother thought I was stupid to break up because of a one-sided love. But I didn't think so. Those feelings may had been one-sided but they were still my precious feelings that warmed my heart for all those years.  

Being with Justin made me happy. I could be myself. He made me laugh and saw through me. But sometimes, I wondered if he was real. If the things he said held any truth. Sometimes, I felt emptiness. A void. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to find my happiness. My very own happiness. But I didn't know where it was. I was still quietly searching.






We walk to the bus stop and I face him just as the bus parked beside us: Thank you for today. I will remember this always as I will always remember you. I'm glad I met you. I can't imagine ever not meeting you. I brush my lips against his ear and whisper my last words: But from today onwards, I will no longer wait for you. Farewell my Unknowing.

I let myself be whisked away with the bus like flying dandelions floating away from its home. I hope to find a new happiness. I hope to bask in the new light of a new sky. There will be a more loving field somewhere. Somewhere, anywhere. I know that somewhere, my fate is tied to theirs. I allow myself one glance back at Victor because I hope that I have left inside his heart a mark like how he left inside my heart a scar. However, there will never be a full stop to this story because sometimes, scars don't fade and sometimes I want this scar as a reminder of something I hold dear. This scar is a reminder that one day, someone else will steal my heart.
One day, I wish to flutter away on floating tutus of dandelions. One day, someone will touch my scar and love me completely

 

Thank you for the patience and the time to read this. I means a lot to me. I hope that one day everyone will find their happiness.

Eternal Love

I want a boyfriend. A beau. A partner. A lover. Call him what you may but I just want someone to love and be loved by. This sounds really desperate but I'm not in  hurry to be in a relationship yet. I just miss love. In general. Because, sometimes, I just feel numb and I don't like being numb. But I am wary. I don't want to make the same mistakes and I don't want to be rejected again. I just want love. Simple and pure.

 I long to be held gently and be whispered sweet nothings. The feeling of walking beside him with no need for our hands to search each other. Because, our connection is deeper than touch. The feeling of recognising him by tracing his jaws. Knowing his thoughts as though they are my own but still have the mystery of descovering the unknowns of his heart. I want to wake up in the morning and know he is right beside me. Sleeping in his scent that no one else could have. I wish for promises of the future and the never ending.
I want a love that will last forever.
I dream of being able to see who lies on the other end of my red string of fate because I'm tired of searching behind wrong doors.


I want to hear someone say "I was born to say I love you"

Lovesick Fool's expectations

My best friend, he had told me once that maybe the reason as to why I'm alone is the fact my expectations are too high. I agree with him, somewhat but to me my high expectations are like a wall, a fort of protection. Hiding me away from those who may harm me. I also think that, by knowing what I want, I would be happier in life. Know thyself is therefore knowing life.

Sometimes though, I am lonely and I wonder if I should lower the bar a little so that I merely won't have to bask in my own company. Just a little sunlight in order to grow. I did that last year and I still regretted it. I opened the gates to someone who was so different to what I was looking for because I was lonely. I thought then that I was happy and that maybe this was it. I being very naive was wrong. He was my first boyfriend and my first mistake. I was happy with his company but later on I realised that my happiness was very shallow. I hate to admit this because I only realised much much later that . . .my first boyfriend was a distraction to my loneliness from a painful unrequainted love towards a guitarist who may never think of me the way I think of him.

It is quite sad that whenever I think of my ideal man or perfect lover, my thoughts fall upon the guitarist. Now that isn't so because I love him but it is more of that he ticked off everything on my list. Soemtimes, I believe the reason I can't let go of my hold of him is because of the very reason that he fit the image of my ideal man. He is someone. I may never encounter again. But then when I think about it. My ideal man would be more ideal if he was actually in love with me.

Lovesick Fool's expectations

1. Good morals
2. Muscian preferably classical guitarist
3. Determined
4. hard worker
5. good sense of humour
6. Buddhist
7. Vietnamese
8. intelligent enough to hold a good conversation
9. martial artist
10. Has goals in life
11. Independent
12. Respects others no matter who
13. Warm voice
14. Gentleman
15. Loves books as much as I do
16. Honest and truthful
17. Loyal to friends and family
18. Likes children
19. Good patience
20.  Strong willed
21. Good heart/understanding of others
22. Listens
23. Likes to help others
24. Nice smile
25. Loves me completely and loves me because of my flaws

Generally, if my heart says so it's usually right. So follow heart's instincts. Those who are meant to be will eventually will be. But I would like to find someone who I love so much that maybe these expectations will crumble away for.

What about you? What are your expectations in men or women? Does your lover fit your list? And does it really matter? Voice your thoughts.

Scapegoat

Remember the boy I met during my university's information session? I finally found out his name. He introduced himself to our orientation group but for legal reasons or plain politeness I will call him P.N. until I come up with a suitable nick name. So during the orientation, I discovered that he is also doing history. I was quietly smiling, thinking: There will be someone I know in History.

But I came late to my first history lecture because the shuttle bus was full and I had to wait for the next one. When class finished, he walked out with a new friend and I did not.

I realise that I am indeed interested in him but I don't think I should rush into any relationship until I know that I am over my guitarist for sure. I know I over think things too much for my age but honestly I don't anything about the guy but I'm interested about him. Why?

Maybe, I already know the truth. The first time I saw him, I thought: P.N reminds me of him. . .
His hairstyle is slightly similar and the way they dress are similar. They both like history. His voice is soft too but a bit deeper. But in a way, P.N is different. He has a shiny ring on his left lobe. But that is all I know for now.I don't want to love someone or give illusion of love because he is a reminder.

But somehow, I had already unconsciously given him a role in my life. Please, make me forget. Take me away. Please be my scapegoat. We haven't talked to each other since that day but we are in the same history and behavioural science lectures. However, because of the population in each lecture it is hard to pick him out among the others. There hasn't been any chance to talk to him and get to know him. I want more differences.

I want him to be my escape though I know it is unfair. Today, he was late to our Behavioural Science lecture. He walked straight passed me as my heart thundered inside (something it hasn't done in a while) and plopped himself down next to a girl I saw walking with him the other day. My heart sank for the first time in ages.

Its unfair to press my hopes on some poor unknowing guy. But I just want to find someone that is entirely for me. I want someone who would say: I was born to say I love you.
I am too greedy?

Nothingness

It has finally hit me. Wordless. Speechless. Writer's block. My heart has run out of things to say or rather it has become too numb to generate feeling. Emotions are the basis of my writing. I am nothing without feeling. Simply, I am nothing.

Here is a poem from the novel Looking For Alibrandi by Melina Marchetta. Its a must read. A novel about finding who you are in a mist of confusion. About change and the necessity of change in order to live.

Can you see what I see?
No I don’t think you can
I see images of nothing
and I attempt to make that
nothingness mean something
As hard as I try there is
still nothing and that nothing
is meaningless
I am somewhere else now, outside
I am surrounded by people and                             
the sky. I see the people and the
blueness of the sky
but still nothing has changed
everything remains the same
I am still alone.

           Looking for Alibrandi

Message in a bottle

My feelings are a message in a bottle. They are cramped and locked for years, never to be opened.
Why is it that I only see him? Follow his movements: every little wrinkle of a smile, every spin of a finger.
Why only him?
Why do I always compare others to him? I know it is cruel of me but I can't help it.
Why can't I let him go. . .Even though, I know it will never be me.
How do I let go? Do I close my eyes and wake up to emptiness? What must I do?

I want to find my very own happiness, entirely for me and no one else. I do realise that I can find happiness
without love but they don't last long. Things like hobbies and jobs don't give off the feeling love does. It's a different type of happiness. I want eternal happiness. I want true love.

I desire. . .what married couples have.
Someone to sleep with every night and wake up to in the morning. The first person you see is the one you love. I want the contentment of a simple married life. Cooking breakfast together and eating together.
I want to live with someone all my life and see his gradual changes from young to old.
To be able to know one another's thoughts with a single glance.

I dream of walking down the aisle in a waterfall white gown.
That is my happiness.

My message in a bottle. . .Did you receive it?

PS: I have attached a link to an online message in a bottle site. I recommend for those who never had the experience.

http://www.oceangram.com/

Promised Place

 

In the midnight field, I lie with stars of fireflies. Resting here, it seems to me that I'm indeed alone with only the singing wind and stars as company. However, I'm not afraid as they are familiar to me as my own reflection. They quiver with wings that whisper questions onto my bare neck. Why are you here alone? I am waiting for someone.

     He helped her up the last crumbled rock and welcomed her to where the sky met the sleeping earth. Together, while their breaths flickered, they watched as the sun gave way to twilight. She glanced at him curiously, 'Why are we here?' For a while, he didn't say a word and the only sound was the dancing grass. 'Slowly, I am forgetting day by day. It matters not if I lose myself but to forget you is like living in a void' He caressed her cheek, 'Even though I will be gone my feelings for you will continue to live on. They will linger in the kisses of petals and flutter with the fireflies because as long as our sacred place exists, I will always love you.'

That is our promise.

    Stars. They are the memories of the living and the souls of the dead. And fireflies. They are the diligent carriers of lovers, connecting those that are separated. I breathe them in and pray that my soul will reach where he is. My long silver hair melts with the grass as I let out a breath. I am not what I used be. My eyesight has worsened and my limbs ache but I will never forget because our promised place still lives. I will continue to wait for the day that I will meet him again. How long must you wait for? Aren't you lonely? I'm not lonely as his memories are everywhere. Soon, I will meet him soon. My time is coming.

    She watched the machine as it copies his every heartbeat: the lows and the highs but particularly the lows. They said he was barely there and it was best if she bid him farewell. But to pull the cord, she didn't know if she could let him go but she won't have strangers performing the only role she had left. She clasped his cool hand that were always larger than hers and brushed them against her lips. Why. . . Even though he will forget her. . .Even though he will disappear. . .Always, she loved him and only him.

Farewell.

    I close my eyes as the fireflies slowly dance around me and engulf me. Until I become no more but a glow of moonlight. They breathed in my last thought and spirited me away with a curtain of lover's golden light. Finally, I am light and airborne. I am inside the bark of the weeping willow and I am the tears of the streams. I am the fireflies and the distant stars. I am no longer alone because I'm finally beside him.

We are our promised place.