It took me a long time to realise this but Adrian has taken the role of a prince. This story was never meant to be a fairytale. So why is Adrian so perfect? I find it so sad that he's so idealistic. Why can't such a man exist in this world? Why doesn't he exist in my life? Where are all the Adrians playing hide-and-seek? I'm so sick of this game.
I'm still wondering around aimlessly, playing trial and error.
And it's so frustrating. It's so damn frustrating that I can't find him. And I'm still young. I know that. But I'm not going to continue being young forever. Tomorrow I turn 19. I'm almost 20. I've almost lived 20 years. If I live to 60 than that's 1/3 of my life. If I live to 80 than its 1/4. I feel that I'm quickly running out of time.
But I don't know where to look. Or if I should just simply sit and wait.
I hate waiting the most. I hate waiting for people. Because I'm scared that they'll never come. And I'll just be standing there. In that little corner, wasting away. That has happened before. So I really hate waiting.
I don't want to be that pathetic lonely little girl. Ever. Again.
People give me sad looks when I talk about Love. I know what it means: She's desperate. They say that it shouldn't matter. That I don't need men to find happiness. But it sounds so disbelieving when the people who are telling me this are already in long committed relationships. Did you know that in psychological studies that there are evidence that people in relationships are more happy than people who are not? That relationships are one of the keys to happiness? Even psychology is backing me up. I can't be wrong.
God. I know that I'm rambling. And that I said that I wouldn't blog about such depressing things again but I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do. Adrian is based on someone that is real. Now I don't know what to do with him. It's just so damn frustrating. It shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't hurt at all because I said that I wouldn't care. But this time, I actually thought that I had a chance. Now I don't know what to do.
Instead of being a great writer, I'm just simply a very lonely woman.
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