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Monday, January 31, 2011

Piggy in the middle

Have you ever felt like you're playing this never ending game of Piggy in the middle? That no matter how high you jump or how much you wave your arms around, you won't ever reach the ball? And everyone around you is laughing at your hopelessness?

I've been having this feeling for a little while now. No matter what I do, I can't shake off these depressing feelings. And I know that I have no right to feel this way. There are so much more important concerns in the world. Also there are people with way more problems than I do. Like actual life issues such as cancer or having their homes flooded and wrecked. But negative feelings feed negative feelings. Its a hole that is hard to crawl out of. However, I've crawled out of that emptiness many times before so I'll do it again.

Just that presently, I need more time.

For the past month, I've spent almost every waking moment thinking. Thinking about my future. Thinking about last year. Before I sleep, images and clips from last year just fly around in front of my eyes. I was the one that decided that leaving was the best solution to everything. But I think leaving isn't going to cut it either.

Everything just feels so frustrating. I can't find the right words to describe it. I'm always feeling upset and on the verge of tears. When nothing is really wrong. Nothing. Really. Except.... I have feelings for a really good friend. And we both know about these feelings. But we're both denying them. Because its so wrong. Its so wrong. I keep on feeling guilty. I have this heavy guilt in my chest. And my heart feels like its going to break into oblivion.

Because I wasn't ever meant to fall for him.

But the sad thing is, I've had these feelings for a long time now. I just kept on denying them. I kept on lying to myself. The thing about lying to yourself is that when you finally admit the truth, it hurts only so much more. And whats so much more frustrating is that he actually might have mutual  feelings. But it won't ever work out. One day, he will marry her. And I will attend his wedding with a big smile on my face. I promised that I would. And I intend to keep that promise.


LovkynÄ› said...

oh, i'm sorry my darling. feelings can be so troublesome, suffocating even. and it is hard to crawl out of a hole made by sad feelings, but you're perfectly right about giving yourself time. i hope you find some happy feelings soon to help pull you up.

Philosophia said...

I am sorry for what you're going through, it can be very tough - but it's good that you are finally allowing those feelings in instead of denying them, you will eventually reconcile with them, in your own time. There's no timeline for how long a person is allowed to be depressed about a situation, because every situation is different and every person perceives the situation differently, and hence it has a varying degree of impact on them. While I think you are amazing for thinking about all the people who have it much worse in the world, I also think that this process of feeling all these emotions is something you need to do to get past them, in your own time. And like you said yourself, you will find your way out of them eventually, as you have several times before. Know that I admire your strength. :)

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