Questioning

When I wake up from nightmares, I am at my most vulnerable state. I am weak, shivering, shaking, terrified, angry, lost, confused and relieved. I am every emotion imaginable yet really I am just one: fear. It consumes me. My every nerve, every pore, every fragile heart beat.

I whisper chants in my head until it hurts. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. It was just a dream. It was just a dream. But no matter how many times I repeat that mantra, my body is rooted to my bed. I am frozen, shell-shocked. The world spins off it's axis. Everything is not alright.

When I wake up from nightmares, I am at my most vulnerable. I question people. I question myself. I question humanity. Because in my nightmares, people are always at their worst. They kill, they lie, they torture for the fun of it, they commit adultery, people cry and yet people still die. What compels one to kill while another to save? What drives people to the point of no return? Where they are doomed to be enslaved in Hell? Why would they make such a choice? What makes people do the most stupid things?

This morning, when I woke up I questioned myself. Why would I go to the one place I hate the most on Earth? The one place that I'm at my weakest? Why would I willingly go to the place I fear the most in the world just to chase after someone that didn't want me? It's so stupid. But I must have loved him a lot.

Sometimes, I hate the mornings. Being a morning person means I'm awake when everyone is still alseep. That means when I wake up from nightmares, there's nobody there. And I wonder how long until I find someone to wake up to?