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Sunday, April 4, 2010

3 Years' Unknowing: Digging Deeper

3 Years' Unknowing

Part 2:  Digging Deeper

I watch the screen as the actors moved about. A film. We're watching a film but am I suppose to concentrate on their dialogue or their actions? How can I focus when he is merely centimeters away from me? I can feel his heat under my skin and wonder how much of his warmth I could consume. From the corner of my eye, I see him flick his growing fringe from his face. I wonder, how soft is his hair? He leans into me and whisper warm breaths into my ear: So why are we watching Dear John again? I try not to laugh too loudly and took my turn to lean into his warmth: We're not watching Alice in Wonderland because you lost to me in scissors-paper-rock. I wait for any objections but none came so I steal a glance at him. He catches my eyes and smiles: You haven't changed at all.

Eleventh grade was the start of my senior years: intense studying and preparations for exams. Somehow, I had still managed to squeeze time for him. He was my companion during the late nights of dim lights and owl eyes glued to the computer screen. He was my sweet lullaby, the image I conjured the second before my eyes closed. In my dreams, all I heard was the sound of his guitar.

Every time I was depressed or anxious there was always something that could calm me. For other people, its shopping or spending hours in front of the television playing COD but for me, it was merely closing my eyes and listening to his song. The sweet melody that tingles my toes and clenches my heart, it was always only him.

February for the Chinese/Vietnamese community meant the Lunar New Year. For traditional adults that meant weeks of slaving in the kitchen to prepare offerings to the Gods or forcing children to do a whole house clean so that during the Lunar New Year week, families can relax without caring for any chores or other forms of work. For me, Lunar New Year meant fireworks, lion dancing and martial arts. That particular year, my plans also included him. That year, while the night blew sweet kisses, I watched fixated as Victor participated in the dragon dance.

 I was always with Victor, every Sunday now that I was in his Vietnamese class but sadly that also meant that I was in the same room as Anthony. I sat in the second row with my friend Sandy who under low breath, discussed popular music. I tried to pay attention to both my studies and Sandy but I felt uncomfortable. Someone was staring at me. Who? The people who sat behind me were May Anne and her friends and behind them in the last row were Anthony and Victor. I decided that the first person to approach me when lunch started would be the culprit. I was right. It was Anthony. He approached me just as the bell rang saying: Hey, I like your clothes today. Great, I just felt like I was being stripped with his eyes.

The warm seasons came and past then soon were the bitter-sweet rain of Winter. I longed for Winter the most. When it rained, visions blur and people become lost in their environment. Rain, it surrounded me and hid my feelings of him. Though I loved Winter, Winter did not love me. It usually left me shivering uncontrollably. Once, while standing out in the cold with Anthony, he grabbed me and pulled me towards him saying: I'll warm you up. I pushed him away and wished that Victor was not absent that day. Wished that Victor was there when I needed him. Wished that who I want was there instead of Anthony.

One day, I received a email from Anthony. It was a confession.I knew it was coming sooner or later. I just hoped much later or never. The day after which happened to be a Sunday, I was found pacing between stepping stones. How do you decline nicely? He was never someone I wanted to be with. His confession, should have been in person but it was not. Wasn't it more sincere if done in person? I wanted to at least be the better person and give my reply to him directly but I was much too scared. I sat depressed upon the garden rock but was saved by Victor who said I should just merely return his email confession with another email. It was quite expected that Anthony was disappointed but unlike how I hoped, he still sat too close and still shadowed me like lingering phantom.

My favourite Anime, for a while was Millennium Actress. It told a story of a love that was discovered in the shortest moment but had a connection that would last forever. But then Victor showed me 5 Centimeters Per Second and I fell in love with the film that depicted such realistic emotions, they were almost like my own. Everything that I was became undone when I met Victor. With each and every new day, I was becoming someone else, someone new. Someone who could become closer to him. Or so I thought.

Because of our shared passion for  5 Centimeters Per Second, we began to discuss our first childhood crushes. I discovered that at some point in our early years, we lived in the same town and attended the same primary school. If only I hadn't moved houses. Somehow, our topic of childhood crushes changed into current love interests. Even though I was so confident that there was no one else closer to him than me, inside my heart it began pulling the blinds to the window. My heart didn't want to know. I didn't want to know that he might like someone else. But the clock had already turned its hands. There was no going back.

I would always remember that day. The day that he spoke these words: I love someone in my class. Her name's Thanida. Who do you like? 
How could I have replied to that? I stared him in the eyes and told the hardest lie: I love someone you don't know.

As the screen fade into darkness, I blink away my tears. He sat beside me laughing: You haven't changed at all. Always crying in films. I don't look at him when he peered into my eyes, laughing. I gently push him away, merely saying: I cried because its a happy ending.

To be Continued. . .


Nova said...

That's so sad and beautiful.

Yet something else tugs at my heart.


Lovesick Fool said...

@Nova: Hope because I'm still searching.

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