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Sunday, May 30, 2010

I don't want to Regret

I feel like writing. I feel that I need to get it all out. I need to find the right words to describe how I feel. I'm sorry if I only ever post depressing things (Been told by someone that my blog is emo) but I'm still searching for happiness.
I'm not sure if I can convey what I feel right now but this is as close as it will get...

I want to cry. Everyday, I feel like crying. Thinking about him hurts. Thinking that I was the one to end my connection with him hurts. To think that I would never see or hear him hurts but I'm the one that made that decision. Everyone says that it was the right choice. But is it? I question that everyday. But its too late for regrets. There is no turning back. I can't pretend that I didn't end our friendship. I wish he made more of a struggle to keep our friendship. I wish that I was necessary. I wish he needed me.

Have you ever made the decision to stop seeing the one you love?
Do you realise how hard it is to not come running to him, saying that I made a mistake? The urge to find a him. To see him. Even if only for a second. Everything is just so God damn hard. I miss him. Even though, I hardly saw him any more, the fact that I deliberately ended our only connection hurts. There is no longer a reason to talk to him. I ended everything.

It was the hardest decision I ever made.

But I know that deep inside, seeing him hurt more. To see him smile and know that it wasn't because of me hurts. A lot. Seeing his display picture pop up everyday on msn also hurt. Everything related to him hurt. Our friendship hurt. Even though he said: Sorry. It wasn't enough. Its never enough. I'm selfish. I want more.
So I had to let go.

I know that it will take a long time before I can think of him and not cry. It may not be tomorrow or next month or next year. It may take five years or even ten years. It make take forever...
But one day I will look back on this day and agree that I made the right choice.
Please, tell me that I am walking the right path because not seeing him is punishment enough.
I don't want to regret ending our friendship.
So please don't say it was wrong.
I can't handle that.
Let me believe that one day it will no longer hurt. And that one day we can be friends again.
Please tell me that one day I will find my happiness.
Its the only pillar I have left standing.


Vencora said...

you will most likely be friends again one day when you can both mean the same thing to each other, whatever that happens to be. human emotions are fragile and often take time to heal.

Lovesick Fool said...

@Vencora: Thank you

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