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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Let's Not Go There

Why are some boys pricks while others are so God damn nice???
Why are some boys so nice that everything they do makes you smile?
I've always been a sucker for nice boys. Because, don't you want someone who treats you well?
Someone who respects you?

Lately there has been someone I've been thinking about a lot. He is someone I haven't known for long, maybe around 3 months the most. One of my closest friends in university. I shall call him N. N is for nice.

Why does he have to be so nice to me? I wish I can tell him to be mean. To be cruel, that way I won't fall for him. That way, I won't be affected by his warmth. I wish he wasn't so nice to me. I can already see the future of these feelings. And I don't want to go there. I'll end up with another broken heart. And a lost friend. I don't want that. I just want to be friends with him. To be able to stay beside him honestly and truthfully. I will stop these conflicting feelings before I find myself at the bottom of a hole I cannot escape from.
Because, I want this year to be full of precious happy memories.

Why does he make me smile so easily? His touch is caring. His touch feels gentle. They feel like Love.
But its wrong. Its so wrong. He already has someone that is special to him. They're a perfect couple. They love each other. She is the one that made him who he is now. He changed for her. And I can't compete against that. I won't be happy with their break up. I can't take someone else's happiness away.
Its not me.

I miss the warmth of another's hand. I miss holding a larger hand in mine and knowing that he belongs to me. I miss smiles that are meant only for myself. I miss having a shoulder to cry on. I miss Love.

Sometimes, I second guess myself. I'm unsure of my own feelings. I don't know if I like him or not. If I'm merely affected by his kindness. Maybe I'm just mixing up friendship with something else. Sometimes, I don't think I even want love. Sometimes, I can't picture myself with anyone in the near or distant future.
Sometimes, I just feel nothing.

I just wish that he wasn't so nice to me. That he wasn't always so close that I could feel his warmth. Sometimes, he is very protective of me. Someone, he hasn't known for long. And I wonder why we get along so well as though we've known each other for years. When there are still so many things that hasn't been spoken about. I wonder why I feel so comfortable and safe with him when usually I'm shy?
All I know is that I'm glad I met him. But I wish he wasn't so nice.
Boys are cruel. They're misleading.
Boys shouldn't be so nice to girls that they don't love.

Because I'll fall for them. . .

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