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Friday, May 14, 2010

Unitled feelings: The Girl (part 2)

Love. What does such a word actually mean? Is it mutual feelings for one another? Or. Wanting someone with each and every cell in your body? Or. Knowing that his smiles were never for you and still stupidly and readily you'll wait for that one moment where your eyes meet? Let me tell you what love is. What it really is. Love is a mirage. It is there when you are most desperate, teasing in the distance. Just when you think you can quench your thirst, you are drowned by dry, course sand. Your heart, it becomes so full of sand that it stretches slowly until one day it explodes. Then you are left with nothing but pain. Love is painful. Love is hurting but still smiling.

You. You are the most confusing person I've ever met. Always, you are joking and laughing at the day but sometimes you are so serious that its frightening. There are always an underlying message in your words but I'm lost with the possibilities. You are the only one that sees through my forever mask. Sometimes, my eyes follow your movements without thinking. I find myself lost with the way you walk slowly but confidently. The way you smile and how you always open the door for me. I always watch you but I don't understand you. You confuse me. All I know is that when ever I'm with you, I'm always happy. Sometimes though, I forget that you're still a kid. That I'm an adult. That in reality, we lead very different lives.

I was lost in a sea of alcohol flooded bodies drowning in sweat. I never liked these parties. They were pointless and demeaning. But only a few minutes ago Jake called to come. There was something I had to see. Something about my boyfriend Adam. I didn't like the sound of his tone. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I already knew. The answer lied screaming underneath all his smiles. His jacket smeared with lipstick stains when I hardly use make-up. His busy days with no time left for me. His shirt no longer holding my scent but the faint smell of her. The answer was obvious. So it did not surprise me that behind the closed door was him sleeping beside my best friend. The answer was obvious.

I didn't give him any time to explain. I walked back out that door with only one word: Liar.
You won't see me cry.I was an idiot. Blinded by my own stupidity. Blinded by his lies. He never loved me. Blinded by my own fear of loneliness. Somewhere deep down, I already knew that he was having an affair but continuously I kept on making excuses for him. Excuse after excuse. But seeing the truth was different. There was no way to pretend that it never happened. Lies. Lies. They were all lies. Let's drown every memory with alcohol. I wanted to forget. Let's drown every memory with toxic. Poison versus poison. Maybe somewhere was an antidote.

The tears swirled with the foam of cold bitter beer. Bitter like myself. I swayed and weaved through people. For once I blended in with the faceless crowds of parties. For once I just didn't care. As long as no one saw me cry. I am weak. Soon all I saw were blurs of people. Blurs of reality. Please take me somewhere far away. I grabbed another glass. How many was that? I lost count. I longer ago lost count. It was too many. Just like his lies. I couldn't take it any more. I needed out. I needed to get away. Everyone walked passed me and I walked through them. There was no one here for me. No one is important.

Outside, the kind wind kissed my cheeks lovingly. I watched as a pair of fireflies waltzed around each other. I envied them. They were in love. They were free from the lies of humans. Humans are ugly. Why was I born to be human? What was my meaning in life? Was there a way for me to skip ahead of time and reassure myself of my happiness? Underneath a tree, like a guardian angel someone watched me. I could feel his caring eyes. Was he my saviour? Please take me somewhere far away. Something in my heart clenched lightly. Slowly like Fate reeling in his fish, I walked towards the man that watched me as though I was the most important person in the world. Maybe I could be. Something in this moment told me that this was a meeting that was predetermined. With all my concentration I willed myself to ask him: Will you love me?

I woke up to an unfamiliar warmth and the scent of a man. Sleeping beside me was an unknown man but somehow I was not afraid. I never felt so safe in my life. He was my guardian angel. I sat up and realised that I was lying on his arm. How could he do that? A man I knew nothing about was more kind than my ex-boyfriend. Someone I knew for a year. Glancing at my watch I discovered that to my horror that I had an hour before my lecture. My professor was going to murder me. Quickly before I left, I gave my saviour a kiss.
I hope we'll meet again.

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