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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Write something

This is the part where I try to fly out of the abyss.

My blog post numbers have dwindled heaps lately. To the point of where I am staring at a blank page trying to figure out what I'm suppose to write. How to write it. It's like I'm starting from scratch. Sometimes, my mind becomes completely blank. And sometimes, there are too much going on inside to comprehend it all. And I'm left with nothing.

Does that make sense?

It is almost the end of 2010. I usually become melancholy during this time period. But this year, even more so. I think its something to do with my age. The thought of next year absolutely frightens me. Next year I will be 20. An adult. I still feel like a child a lot of the time. I'm not ready to be an adult. Even though 19 years have passed so far I feel that I haven't really done anything significant with my life.

Instead, I've done a lot of running away.
Running away from my dreams
Running away from my feelings
Running away from the truth

It's only this year that I started walking forward properly.
And I'm still wobbling.

But its not only my age that is plaguing me. I can't seem to move on from the past.
Every year, as the year draws to a close I am struck with a sense of loneliness.
Another Christmas spent without a lover.
Another year without my father having given me a single call.

Its funny how I still want a connection with someone who doesn't acknowledge my existence.
But how can I not? His blood runs through my veins. And it was him who gave me my name.

And I know that this question sounds desperate but. . .
When will I find someone?
The last time I held hands with a boy was last year.
It's not like I'm not over him (I don't like the term: ex-boyfriend). It's just that I haven't found anyone I would want to start a relationship with. Well technically that is incorrect. I actually found a couple of nice boys. But I don't think it would ever work out to be anything more than friendship.

The thing is feelings are complicated.
What is love?
What is happiness?
I lied to many people this year. The people around me and my friends but most of all I lied to myself for most of the year. People don't think that I'm a good liar but sometimes its scary how easy it is to keep the truth from people. The key is to lie to myself first. Make myself believe then others will too. Because some things are better off as lies.

I will say this at least. Feelings are complicated.
This year I met someone who made me feel very happy. Whenever I was with him I felt a sense of content. Safe and protected. He was someone that I could depend on. I have never felt such feelings before in my life. It was happiness. It felt like everything just came into place. If happiness had a taste then it definitely has to be of Strawberry clouds. But when my friend asked me if I had feelings for that boy the answer was no.

I lied.
I had feelings for him. But its complicated. I never planned for it because I knew from day one that he's already in a relationship. But I guess no one really plans that kind of thing. Especially me. Because I never want to be that girl who ruins others' happiness. And I hate how ugly jealousy is.

I hate how difficult it will be to find someone else like that for me.


bakayabi said...

Life is complicated, in a good way and a bad way.

Don't worry, 2011 is definitely our year.

Ana* said...

2011 will be better for you. I found and lost a lover in 2010 but I told myself that I am not spending this new years alone without a hand to hold, so I am planning on going to times squares for a little adventure with a friend. Throw yourself out there, everything will be alright.

ĐΣΛИ said...

Isn't that the most tragic of lies. . . the ones we tell ourselves and pretend they are true?

My best

Maybe we could correspond sometime if you'd think it appropriate.

Philosophia said...

I agree 2011 will be better. Running isn't always a bad thing, sometimes we may be running away from one thing, but in the process of doing so, we stumble upon another, sometimes more precious, more beautiful, more enlightening truth. Take the time to discover you.

At 19, I felt the same way. I sometimes still do; adulthood isn't something we settle into right away, it's a gradual transition, and you are still so very young. Enjoy your childhood, you don't have to rush into adulthood.

And know, that for each person, who makes you feel lonely and inadequate, there is at least another who sees the incredible beauty in you and can't imagine their life without you. Hold on to those people, and hold on to their love, believe me, they are there, caring for and loving you all along.

And it may seem difficult now, but I have faith in the fact that you will find someone equally as awesome, if not better. You are a really beautiful person, and you deserve nothing less than the best. <3

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