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Monday, April 12, 2010

So. Not. Happy. Right. Now.

Dear Beloved Lovesick Fools

I adore you all so much so please do me a small favour and kill my cousin for me???
He is so confident that I'm going to crash and burn. How can he say that???
I fear making the same mistakes so much that I am so tempted not to love again and yet how can he say that?
I. . .I just don't know. I don't think I'll ever find my happy ending. I am so hopless that I just can't any longer visualise a future. . .
My writing reinforces this. No matter how much I try to write a happy ending. I. Just. Can't. Do. It.
Why??????
Why can't I find my happy ending? What did I do wrong?
God. I'm just so upset right now. I feel like punching the wall but then I'll just hurt my hand more than the wall. . .

According to my cousin, all the guys I like are pricks or players or just plain dickheads. Thats right. I swore. So not happy right now. That happy ending is so difficult that it tears my head apart.

I am so scared of getting hurt again that I hesitate getting into another relationship. But someone said once that pain is part of life. But why? Why does life have to be full of mistakes and pain?

I wrote before in my list of 10 things about me that I hate it when people try to get into my head. Why must he insist in saying I like someone when I can't feel anything? All I feel is this numbness. How can people say they understand me when they don't understand my fears? Don't BULLSHIT with me. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME.
How can you say that you know me or any other person in this world when you've NEVER MET THEM??
DON'T FUCKING JUDGE BEFORE YOU MEET THEM and actually sat down and LISTENED to them. THEN MAYBE MAYBE you can say you understand them a little. Just a little. Because humans are complex beings.

Don't say you understand me when you don't understand my pain.

       How can you say you know me when I don't know myself?

4 comments:

Georgina said...

I'm sorry your cousin is being a pain. It really sucks when people have all the time in the world to tell you what they think you should do, when you should do it and are always more than happy to say "Told you so", if something doesn't work out. At the end of the day, you answer only to yourself. Take care. - G

Lovesick Fool said...

@Georgina: Thank you.

Vencora said...

well, if you do somehow "crash," you likely won't "burn." you're certainly strong and thoughtful enough to put yourself back together, should you encounter a time of falling apart. but there's no reason to think you're heading for a crash in the first place. perhaps your cousin would crash under similar circumstances. people tend to expect others to react the same way they would to situations, leading to more of those annoying false perceptions.

Lovesick Fool said...

@Vencora: Thank you^^ I feel a lot better now.

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